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CBI Session for the week of January 17th, 2022

Module 13 Session 1

Resolving Conflict

We all experience conflict in our lives, probably even in every relationship we have. It is a natural part of relationships.

Conflict is when two or more people want different things.

Although conflict is normal and natural, it is also UNCOMFORTABLE and can lead to a lot of negative emotions, which is why many people try to avoid conflict at all costs. However, if we allow ourselves to WORK THROUGH and RESOLVE conflict, it can lead to positive things, like understanding, problem solving, new ideas, and closer relationships.

This week's sessions will be looking at how we RESOLVE CONFLICT.

Before we dive in, it is important to point out that one of the most difficult but important parts of resolving conflict is MANAGING OUR FEELINGS in the midst of conflict. Let's face it:

Staying calm in the middle of a disagreement, argument, or an all-out brawl is REALLY HARD.

This is because as our emotions become more intense, we lose the ability to think straight and STAY IN CONTROL of our actions (like we learned about in the CBI session on Getting to Green).

However, being able to stay calm in the midst of conflict increases the likelihood of resolving the conflict. What are some skills that you have learned in CBI that can help you to stay calm in the middle of a conflict? (Here are some ideas:)

Conflict Management Styles

Adapted from Thomas and Kilman 1974

Often times we react to conflict without even stopping to think about why we are responding the way we do. It is important for us to be aware of our reactions so we can change them if they aren’t working effectively.

There are five main styles that people have when it comes to handling conflict. These styles may be behaviors that we learned from the people around us, or things that worked for us in the past.

Each style is represented below by an animal. Keep in mind that none of them are "right" or "wrong" - each of them may work more or less effectively in different situations. The key to learning how to resolve conflict effectively is to know WHEN to use WHICH approach.

Let's take a look.

Read through each description below, and think about times that you may have used each approach to resolve a conflict.

Avoiding Turtle

"I lose - You lose"

People who have an "Avoidant" style of managing conflict will do whatever it takes to avoid a confrontation or disagreement. They may ignore the conflict or pretend it doesn't exist in the hopes that it will just go away on its own (which it often doesn't).

Pros: You may be able to avoid discomfort temporarily by ignoring conflict.

Cons: The conflict does not go away just because you ignore it. Your relationship with the other person may suffer. No one gets what they want, and you may feel bad about yourself for not standing up for your needs.

When to be an "Avoiding Turtle":

When the conflict is meaningless
When you don't have time to handle the conflict
When you aren't sure how you feel about the issue yet

Accommodating Teddy Bear

"I lose - You win."

People who have an "Accommodating" style of managing conflict care most about having peace in the relationship. Because conflict is distressing, they will do anything in their power to make it disappear, primarily by giving in to the wants of the other person.

Accommodating is a type of avoidance, as the goal is to AVOID conflict by giving in.

Pros: You have little conflict in your relationships and don't have to deal with the discomfort of conflict.

Cons: You don't get what you want because you sacrifice your own needs in order to keep peace with the people around you. Others may see you as a pushover and take advantage of you, and you may feel bad about yourself over time.

When to be an "Accommodating Teddy Bear":

When you are wrong (and you know it)
When you don't care about the issue as much as the other person
When your most important goal is having peace

Competing Shark

"I win - You lose."

People who have a "Competing" style see conflict as a competition and focus on winning at all costs. They believe there is a right and a wrong in every situation, and often come across as aggressive and intimidating. They are most focused on meeting their own needs, rather than the needs of others.

Pros: You usually get what you want.

Cons: You are seen as someone who has little to no respect for others, and you have a hard time keeping relationships. Others may hold grudges against you and eventually find a way to undermine or confront you.

When to be a "Competing Shark":

When you need to stand up for yourself, your rights, or your morals
When the other conflict management styles don't work and you are at your last resort

Compromising Fox

"I win some, I lose some - You win some, you lose some."

People who have a "Compromising" style acknowledge conflict and are eager to find a solution that is satisfactory for everyone involved, usually in a give-and-take fashion. They look for areas where each side is willing to give up something or meet half-way so that everyone can get along and move on.

Compromising is a type of problem solving, as the goal is to RESOLVE the conflict.

Pros: You are able to resolve conflict relatively quickly, and everyone gets some of what they want.

Cons: Everyone loses something. Additionally, the relationship may be shallow because there is no effort to understand the other person's needs.

When to be a "Compromising Fox":

When reaching a solution is more important than the solution itself
When you need a quick temporary solution
When you are at a standstill

Collaborating Owl

"I win - You win."

People who have a "Collaborating" style see conflict as a natural part of relationships and an opportunity to learn and grow. They seek to have open and honest conversations so that everyone's needs can be met. They value the relationship and work towards a win-win outcome.

Collaborating is another type of problem solving, as the goal is to RESOLVE the conflict.

Pros: Everyone feels heard and respected, and everyone gets their needs met. Relationships are strengthened due to open and honest communication.

Cons: It can take a long time to discuss all issues and come to an agreement that meets everyone's needs.

When to be a "Collaborating Owl":

When the relationship is important to you
When the final solution will have a significant impact on you and the other person
When the interests, needs, and beliefs of all people involve need to be considered

Now that you've reviewed today's lesson, let's reflect and practice your new skills.

Be sure to read the all the directions carefully before answering the questions!

Be sure to complete all sections and click submit at the bottom to get credit for this Virtual CBI session!

(Technical Tip: If you get a white screen after you click "next" or "submit", SCROLL UP. The next page is further up on the screen.)

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